I'm really behind :(

Hey guys,

I really sorry, i'm really behind with keeping up with all your blogs - i'll catch up - I promise

The book

A lot of my friends here are into creative writing and poetry and so a friend of mine bought a composition notebook and leaves it out with the purpose of everyone writing in it.

BTW this is awesome and everyone should do it... just saying.

Anyway, when I post "from the book" it means that it's something I wrote for the book first. I'm just putting it on the blog for you all and as an archive.

In the book #1

Ideas surge through the mind in
A wave of unstoppable force
Pulsing, moving -
Pulling you to Doubt

One you've never known -
One you just met -
One as curious
As open

His eyes shone with wonder -
Radiating from the speeding
Cogs of cognition -
Bends and bounces

Round that physical sanctum
Before pushing its way
Past the veil of Ideas
Into the minds of those nearby

And He cannot contain
His excitement

Emotion

I'm a slight extrovert which means that I draw my energy from being with other people -

This is definitely true - I most certainly don't want to be alone at this moment

That being said, there is not a single person in my life I can think of - parents, new friends, old friends, sibling, mentors, god knows who else - that I can think of that I want to be around/talk to right now.

What I realized is that force myself not to fall subject to the fundamental attribution error and don't place blame on others. Though this is a great policy in general, it leaves me either with nowhere to point a finger, or pointing it at myself. Depression turns to the emotion of anger and self loathing. But, since there is no external attribution, all it leads to is confusion. A baseless emotion.

An emotion that cannot be understood, cannot be controlled.

And uncontrolled, unmonitorable, emotion is confusing
And frustrating

And is a weakness.

And I hate that I think that.

Things about you

It's been a long time since I've wrote to you
Or thought about you
Or been one with you.

It's been a long time since I've shared with you
And thought with you
And laughed with you.

It's been a long time since
My world has been thrown into
Such creative confusion

I live in an intellectual whirlwind -
Skipping from gust to gust
And never finding a branch
To hold on to

I don't even know if
I should be
Looking

Everyone's different
Everything's interesting
And
Nothing is easy

I like these people
I like this here

I miss the silence

Update

Ok so college is great - but i'll leave that for another post

In case I haven't told you yet I got a call-back for not a one of the seven a cappella groups I auditioned for on campus - *sigh*

On the other hand though, I'm surprised at the fact that the emotion I have at the moment is not one of anger, but rather sadness. I usually get angry at ignorance, hypocrisy or stupidity or from self-loathing. Since I was pleased by my own performance and all of the groups were unanimous in their rejection of me, there's kind of nothing to be angry about. I'm still in the fine and performing arts res college so I'm still surrounded by talented people. We'll see what becomes of that :)

Cheers,
Shadow's Friend

Leaving tomorrow

So I'm leaving with my dad tomorrow morning - catching a 7:00 flight.

My sister gave me a picture frame to put a picture of the four of us to take with me to college, but that involved having a picture of the four of us. So we were going to take one today (but it was rainy) so fail. We ended up taking like an hour to get a decent shot sitting on our couch at home (20min to figure out the right settings to use - 40 to get everyone to smile).

Say cheese :)

Seeyall,
Shadow's Friend

Update?

I haven't posted much in a while - and I apologize for that.

I had an amazing time working at camp my colleagues, mentors and employers were great. As if there was any way they wouldn't be.

Since then I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing. I've been packing. Everyone's gone :(

Oh! - I got a new camera - panasonic dmc-fz100

So i'll post some pictures if I take nice ones

Sleep Paralysis

Hey all,

I wrote about having the experience of feeling paralyzed in a half-sleep state. I seemed to have been wrong however in calling it a form of lucid dream. I recently found that this is something that is relatively common - termed sleep paralysis. Here's a link if any of you are interested in what Wikipedia has to say about it.

Cheers,
Shadow's Friend

New blog - i don't have any of your email addresses to add you guys as authors so contact me

http://mylifeisjank.blogspot.com/

Story Snippets #2:

Dust settles on the floor in carpets. Next to the couch stands the worn-out, diminutive, chest of doors like a testament to the owner's pack-rat-ish tendancies. There was a spiderweb hanging like a curtain from the bottom of the table, blocking the passage of the curious hand. The television was an old SONY, a big boxy thing that took up a fair amount of space on the wall-unit.

The family that lived there weren't as old as the place made it seem. They had a kid off to college, one starting high school. They had no time to clean. None of them did.

Epic Turtle Escape Fail

Sup bro?

I grew to detest the 'bro.'

Grace à urbandictionary:
noun
An alpha male idiot. This is the derogatory sense of the word (common usage in the western US): white, 16-25 years old, inarticulate, belligerent, wife beaters, shitty music, talks about nothing but chicks and beer.

I am so sick of guys who think that it's going to get them somewhere to be complete asses around other people. Frankly it takes just as much effort if not less to be a decent human being.

Anyway,
I got so disheartened by the fact that the non bro (or bro equivalent) was so hard to come by that I cringed away from spending time with people that were supposed to be my friends.

So thank you to the people I am with right now. It is wonderful and enlightening to be around so many guys who don't see it as their life mission to be a jerk. It makes it easier to smile.

-----------
P.S.
Here's an alternate definition of bro: (again thanks to urbandictionary)

noun
A version of a bra specifically designed for men
[rofl - gotta love urbandictionary]

P.P.S.
A more complete definition of bro: (is it even worth mentioning at this point)

Bros ruin everything they touch. They are deeply racist, yet vulture-ize black culture with attempts to be "down", while living as far from any ghetto as humanly possible. It's because they seek danger, or the illusion of it.

Bros have also brought the concept of homophobia to a new level. You see, they love play fighting, tackling their mates, and joke incessantly about each other's wieners. But they will claim that there is no connection whatsoever between their overuse of the term "f****", their intense desires for close physical kinship with their pals, and their own closeted Bromosexuality. "No homo" is a phase that is commonly heard when saying saying something that sounded gay to show that you aren't gay after all.

*Bro's also pride themselves in their "im such a dick!" attitude. It's kind of a way of setting themselvs apart from the rest of us who might actually have some respect for traffic laws, women, and the general public. *
[God I hate them]

Socal Trash

A simulation argument against Suicide

This argument changes depending on the person, but the core is the same.

-------------------

Let's pretend for a moment that I am a computer simulation. Perhaps even, a projection of your mind, if we take the terminology of Inception.

In fact, as you have no proof otherwise, let's assume that we are all simulations. Everyone outside of yourself does not exist in the way you believe yourself to exist.


If this is the case, why should you care about us?
Why should you care what happens to us?
Why should you care what we think?
What we feel?

In your experience we (everyone other than you, the simulations) bleed when cut. We express pain. We cry. We laugh. We confide in you, and we confide in each other. We express sorrow at the loss of a loved one and joy at those moments of bliss.

We write, we sing, we embrace.

Even if we don't exist in the same way you do, to you, we might as well.

And thus a case against suicide,
Even if this world is not real, consider what the rest of us would feel.

We may not exist in the same way you do, but, if all you can trust is your experience, then from your experience, we do all feel.

Imagine the sorrow we'd all feel at your loss.
Imagine the pain you'd cause.

Inception (film) and a note on Reality

A comment about the review:
The movie was really quite good, I recommend it with the highest praise for anyone interested in things that are interesting

A comment inspired by the movie: (and other random stuff in my head)

This is our reality.
We may have others,
But, as we exist
As we live

We live here

There are escapes
There are ways deeper
But where we live
Where we all live

Is right here

Find your totem
Find your tether
Find your tether to reality

And if you need me,
I will be that for you.

Worry

Can't life go on

Can't life go on without a problem?

A problem to solve
A something to fix
A someone to look after
To worry about

Can't life go on without worry?

Do we need concern to feel,
Alive?

Can we live without lines?
Without every waking moment
Consumed with worry?

Sometimes life is just ok
Nothings wrong

Does that happen?

Auditioning

So I need an audition song... anyone any ideas?

Smile

Props to you if you can make me smile through your words or sentiments.

But only the highest compliments if you can make me smile with your voice.

I love you all :)

-------------------
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Love/Hate

If these past few days have taught me anything, it's that I love music. I love to sing, and I love harmony. I love being around other people who love the same.

I hate the fact that I couldn't bring myself to risk being the starving artist.

I envy you all for being able to make the choice I couldn't.



P.S.
Cc, I looked it up and I believe you were backwards with regards to envy and jealousy

FMLs worth sharing :)

1) Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

2) Today, my boyfriend told me that we couldn't have sex anymore because ever since we have, he's been in a hitting slump for baseball. He picked baseball over sex. FML

3) Today, I woke up with some bloody gauze covering a nasty wound on my neck. Turns out that hooking up with a freak with a vampire fetish doesn't seem quite so appealing when sober. FML

4) Today, my husband and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV. I was enjoying myself and feeling pleased with how sweet he was being, when out of nowhere he flipped me over, grabbed my breasts and yelled "ME CONQUER WOMAN!" FML

I'll add more as I find them :P

Lucid Dream

Hey everyone,
I had an experience yesterday that I thought was worth blogging about before I completely forget it.
------------

Lucid dreaming is defined by being conscious that you are in a dream during your dream.

I often experience lucid dreaming (it's a wonderful experience that I hope would happen more frequently). This time however was significantly different.

Usually I will be in some sort of adventure setting, based in real life, or not. This gives the lucid dream a novel like effect. The same way I get immersed in a story, I get immersed in the dream.

This time though, there was no story.

I was completely detached from all motor function (and most sensory function as well). Imagine if you will a situation where you cannot see anything, hear anything, smell or touch anything. It was terrifying.

My first reaction was to call out. I reasoned (this part is what proves I knew I was dreaming) that it was still night and if I could call out, my parents would be able to come and help. As much as I tried, however, I could not make a sound.

The next thing I tried was to inflict pain on myself. If I could do that, even by just digging my fingernail into my leg, I felt that I could snap out of it. I couldn't move my hand.

So, of course, the only thing left to do was to take back control of my mind purely using mental effort. Mind over matter. The force of will. I truly believe that if you set your mind, you can do almost anything.

I calmed down, accepted the position I was in, and forced myself to at least momentarily set aside my fear. The instant I regained conscious motor function, I sat upright, which instantly broke the dream.


Now,
Once I was awake I realized how incredible the experience was.
I was fully conscious (well at least I thought so), but completely detached from my physical body. It was not an out of body experience, I think I would not have been as shocked by that. It was as if I merely existed as a consciousness in some void. I would like to clarify, to finish, that my fear was probably derived from my conscious memory of a functioning body, without the control. Next time I will not be as surprised by or (hopefully) afraid of the loss of motor function.

Bed Piano

Umm... YES!

Things that aren't meant to be written/Admission

There are things that aren't meant to be written. Maybe this just means that I haven't taken the step to pouring my life onto this blog yet. Maybe I'm afraid of who could read it.

Maybe I'm afraid of what it means

If there's one thing the internet takes away is your ability to control the flow of information. Once it's out there - it's done.


On a side note -

I wonder if now that I can admit (please don't guess - you'll be wrong)
To myself
Say it out loud
Speak it to you

That means I've accepted it
Or if not accept, acknowledge

Surly not understand,
But acknowledge


I wonder if that means
I can say it out loud to another.

I know you understood my reticence
Be my voice of reason.

Oil spill

This is a) depressing, and b) a really good map of the oil spill in the gulf

Senior Prom (and all that jazz)

Pre-prom was nice. She did a very nice job getting us all there and being a good host. There were so many people there!

The party bus was epic -- but I'll leave that for later in this post.

The actual prom was fine. The space wasn't as nice as last year's... nor was the food... but what can you do.

After prom... lol... after prom

Ok so here goes. Party bus had a stripper poll and cool changing lights. Use your imagination. Now make it a little less grimy (just a little). And that was the ride out there.

The house we went to was ridiculously beautiful. Oh and it had a pool and tennis court.. and a field and a pond.

In terms of the party, there was exactly what I expected there to be. No, nothing particularly interesting happened to me.


Being with everyone was really nice. I hadn't realized that my group of friends was that big (or included that many guys), and it was really nice to know there were more people out there than I'd thought.

My favorite quote of the night was this:
We were sitting around and talking and eventually the conversation turned to international politics, and Moby Dick whereupon CH says, "I'm glad I'm not a whale."

Another memorable quote on the night:
"OMG everyone, this house has such cool ART"



P.S.
Midnight swimming is pretty cool. And freezing.

Senior Grade Trip

Senior grade trip.

I actually had a lot of fun on this trip. I originally wasn't going to go, it was a little on the expensive side. But I am glad I went. There were some people I got to know better... even if it doesn't matter. There were some people I got closer to who do.

It was quite striking how both unified our grade was and at the same time very divided. We were all friendly with each other, which was really nice. You could however see that there were distinct groups of friends, much more so than in regular life.

P.S.
I got the worst sunburn I've ever had on this trip... not that it was that bad...

Senior Initiative and Promises dropped

Senior Initiative was nice, but a bit disappointing. Don't get me wrong, SI is a great way to end senior year (not to mention not having class past April), it just wasn't as fun as I wanted to be.

My initiative was in songwriting. Effectively I saw SI as a way to force me (us all) to do something we'd always wanted to but never had the time (or drive). It worked in a way, but didn't really.

My initiative was in music, I still had orchestra, chorus, a cappella, Becca's initiative (a musical theater showcase for which I was the musical director) not to mention every other club under the sun to deal with. Oh, and APs. I left SI kind of "done" with music, the one thing I didn't want to get out of initiative. For a time with no classes, I was over-musicked and overworked.

With regards to clubs,
I never wanted to be that senior who checked out at the end, and I didn't. But... it lost all pleasure. What I did, I did because I had to, not because I wanted to. The end result was that there were somethings above and beyond what I was expected to do, that I wanted to do, but just didn't get around to.

So, though I don't feel I let them down, I definitely feel I let myself down and that the school could have been better off if I had just tried a little harder.

Hey all :)

So,

This is the first time I'm writing since the May 21st so I have a lot to catch up on. Yes, I plan on posting a lot within the next 24 hours. Yes almost all of it will be confessional. I have a lot to catch up on. Feel free to read it or not on your own time.

Black take 3: (Song based on Prologue)

The young man awoke - Startled
By the clear but commanding
Voice of his host

He looked up at the speaker
The wife of an in-keeper
Daughter of a farmer

But, she was a strong woman.
She had a hard face.

Chorus:
If you looked into her eyes
You could see a tinge of sorrow
If you stared into her smile you could glimpse
The many souls that once had crossed her path

And If you searched her face
You could feel,
She had more than once welcomed Death

“Hey! You listening!”
She asked him again,
“Why’re you here?”
He left no answer

“Fine,” she said
As she left the room.
“Diner’s on the table
If you want it.”

“Remind her of why
you’re staying here?”

Chorus

He shut the door on his way out
And she opened it one last time.

Where Death stood waiting.
He just smiled

It was her last time.
Her last time:
For this time she opened the door
To leave.

Chorus

Poem (Based on the Prologue)

The young man awoke
Startled by the clear but commanding
Voice of his host

“Remind me of why
you’re staying here?”

He looked up at the speaker
The wife of an in-keeper
Daughter of a farmer
Distinctively indistinct

But, she was a strong woman.
Her posture striking
Tempered by years of war
She had a hard face.

If you looked into her eyes
You could see a tinge of sorrow
If you stared into her smile you could glimpse
The souls that once had crossed her threshold

And If you searched her face
You could feel,
She had welcomed Death
Many more times then once.

“Hey! You listening!”
She asked him again,
“Why’re you here?”
He left no answer

“Fine,” she said
As she left out the room.
“If you want it,
Diner’s on the table.”

Behind her, leaning against the dresser
Stood his love and his aid
Perfectly balanced, like their maker
A pair of mismatched blades.

The shorter one, his favorite of the two,
Was, not only reverse-blade,
but forged from gray steel
With hilt and guard of silver filigree.

The first a sword of protection
The second of death.
A twin pair of strength and majesty
A tool of the hunted

Carefully wrapped in black silk,
Lay the second.
Made of ebony steel.
It was a killing sword.

This blade was long and thin.
Folded uncountable times
Sharpened at a diamond’s point.
No weakness. its crime

Surprisingly he had grown to like her
These past few days,
He was thankful
For her bluntness

He must move on.
Too long in one place
Brought danger to his door
Leave them too much time to trace

He felt sorry
For what he had to do,
But he had no choice
He had to cover his tracks.

He went down the stairs,
With him. his belongings

Alone at the table,
She looked up at him.
Across from her
Another place setting waited

He crossed the room and sat to eat.
The minutes slowly passed.
His eyes rose to meet the window
The sun had begun to set.

‘It’s time’ he thought, and stood with a sigh.
He reasoned to himself-
'it’s only her Who
I must pass this by'

He drew the longer blade,
The brilliance of the silver
Playing in the light of the setting sun.
And he spoke the words - “Forgive me.”

He shut the door on his way out
And she, she opened the door one last time.
Where Death was waiting.
He smiled

It was her last time.
Her last time:
For she opened the door
This time, to leave.

Prologue

Aaron awoke with a start.

“Remind me of why you’re staying here again?”

He looked up. The speaker was an in-keeper’s wife, a farmer’s daughter. She had short-cropped hair. There was nothing about her that was either distinctive or interesting; that was of course, except for her posture. She was a strong woman. Years of war had tempered her face. She had, you could see, welcomed Death on more then one occasion.

“Hey! You listening!” she asked again, “why’re you here?”

Behind her, leaning against an unornamented dresser stood his most valuable possessions, a pair of mismatched blades made by his late teacher. Like his master, these were perfectly balanced. The shorter one, his personal favorite, though the other had saved his life on more then one occasion, was made from a form of gray steel with a hilt and guard of silver filigree. Unlike it’s partner this sword had a reverse-blade. It was a sword of protection, not of death. The other, carefully wrapped in black silk, lay next to it on the floor. This blade, in stark contrast to the short-sword, was made of ebony steel. It was a killing sword. The silver metal used to decorate it was in the same pattern as the design from the guard of the other. The blade was long and thin. Not only was it folded an uncountable number of times but it was also sharpened at a diamond’s point. The hilt was undecorated metal with a cord of silk wrapped around for traction. It had no weakness.

“Fine,” she said as she walked out of the room. “Diner’s on the table.”

Over the past few days, during the time he had spent here, he had grown to like her straightforwardness. However, he must move on. If he stayed in one place for too long those that wanted him dead would catch up. He felt sorry for what he had to do, but he had to cover his tracks.

He went down the stairs, taking his belongings on his way out. The in-keeper’s wife looked up at him. She was sitting alone at the table across from another place setting. Throughout the whole time he had been there, he hadn’t noticed another living soul in that house, and his senses told him that he was right. ‘At least it’s only her’, he reasoned.

He crossed the room and sat to eat. The minutes passed. He noticed that the sun had already set.


‘It’s time’ he thought, and stood with a sigh.

He drew the longer blade, the dark of the metal and brilliance of the silver playing in the light of the setting sun.

“Forgive me.”

Aaron shut the door. Behind him she opened the door one last time. Death merely smiled. It was her last time. Her last time: for this time she opened the door to leave.

An explanation

For a project I am taking the prologue of a story I wrote and turning it into a song. What is in the next three posts are: the prologue to my story (see my other blog experimental truth), a poem based off this prologue, and then lyrics to a song based off them both.

Carousel of Music

I was stuck earlier in the music part of my brain.

I'm fine now, but earlier I was quite stuck.

I think it was a combination of a lot of rehearsals and anxiety, coupled with a journey into dream land that had me wake up the way I did.

It was quite the out-of-body experience.


I had music running through my head,
Over and over
As if I had to fix something
But couldn't

Chorus:
I was trapped in the carousel of music
Unable to think in terms of anything else
Unable to interact with the world around me
Unable to live

And in this mix,
Rational thought abandoned me
Everything I said, Everything I did
Was merely acting the motions

It wasn't like I missed anything important,
Choices like what I wanted for dinner
What to and what not to talk about
That's it, that's all that was impaired

I place so much value on control,
That being out of brought with it
A certain degree of fear into my being
Into my state

Words

There's a tendency in writing
To get lost in your words

You know what comes next,
As one thought runs to the other,
And that next word just,
Fits.

But does it fit?
Is it always exactly what you want to say?
What you are truly feeling?

Or do the words just run away from you.

Don't get trapped by your own words

Vampires (List of Vampire Anime)

Hell, it's been a while since I've written anything worth reading so I figured I'd give an update.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a big Anime fan. And as such, I've watched a ton of the stuff out there.

Specifically this week I've been watching/catching up on Anime vampire series I haven't seen. Some of which were good... some... not so much but *shrug* whatever.

P.S.
In making this list I've realized just how many vamp anime I haven't seen...

P.P.S.
Feel free to comment if I left something out. Or you have an opinion on one of the series.

Seen:
Vampire Hunder D
Trinity Blood
Blood +
Vampire Knight
Rosario + Vampire
Hellsing
Hitsuji No Uta
Dance in the Vampire Bund

Yet to see:
Black Blood Brothers (check)
Blood-The last vampire
Vampire Princess Miyu
Dracula:Sovereign Of The Damn
Nightwalker
Shingetsutan Tsukihime (Lunar legend)

Princess Resurrection

Bakemonogatari
Legend of Duo
Tokimeki Tonigh
Karin (check)
Kimera
Master of Mosquiton
Vampiyan Kids
Vampire Wars

DTW review

For starters, this year was kick-ass

ADT piece:
Really good/cool idea. Much better today than yesterday. It was nice seeing everyone dance together.

Abigail's:
Exciting idea. Lights kind of saved the dance. Much better from the balcony than downstairs.

Ray's:
I enjoyed it, but it was the only dance that wasn't particularly memorable.

Tolu!:
Tolu being epic. The best story telling of all the dances.

Amadi:
What the hell was that! Hip-hop/modern with cool lights (excuse me -- really cool lights) and music. 'nough said. Oh and you were awesome Juliet :)

Jesse:
Pretty. Like Abigail's, much better from the balcony than downstairs. You could actually see the paper being shaped from the balcony... which made the dance make sense :)

Henry:
A beautiful dance. So much talent went into choreographing and dancing in this piece.

Brotman.......:
Um... kind of fail. Specifically fail costuming. (HSM: "stick to the stuff you know..." you know who I mean)

Charlotte:
A scene from Charlotte's mind. I liked it much better the second time I saw it (from the orchestra as opposed to the balcony). Much more technical work than I expected.

Sam:
I actually liked his piece quite a bit. I liked the fact (same's true with amadi's but not as striking) that you could use hip-hop to do something more than the standard ghetto-esq feel. Plus, fire's cool.


General comments:
All in all I really enjoyed DTW this year. I also loved the fact that there were two male modern dancers who were any good, and they kind of just divided the pieces up between them. It was nice seeing them together (with the two girls) in Henry's. On the same note, sooo many guys in Sam's. Like really? No female hip-hop dancers (besides Tolu- love ya). Hmmn what else. Some had quite a bit to do with chance... others not so much. The dances (with the exception of Tolu) were pretty much just dances. There wasn't that much story movement in the dances, more like a cool idea depicted by good dancing.

Oh, one other thought. With the exception of Henry's, the choreographers really didn't need to be in their own pieces. They could have stood on their own without the physical dancing of the choreographers. Kudos to the choreographers who didn't put themselves in their own dances.

Great job everyone! :)

Done

Well thats all folks,

I took the physics B AP test this afternoon, and now am officially done with any kind of assessment before I go to college.
Well, there's the road test- but whatever.

I'm finally done.


This is the last time my parents have something legitimate to use as a reason for running my life.

I'm over 18 and I'm done, come on already.

Cheers,
Shadow's Friend

Black: take 2; One of these days

I've got a birthday in the winter
I got a tie in the mail
I've got a friend at a movie
And I'm stuck in jail

I learned a lesson
I won a friend
I had a chance
--I lost it

I'm stronger than you think
I'm more capable than you know
I'm so tired of this hack
So get off my back!

One of these days
I'm going to run around screaming
And bust down the walls
And throw down the door

One of these days
I'm going to live my own life
And find my own path
And make my own choices

And one of these days
I wont be responsive to you

I've got a deadline coming up
I've had a lot of those
I've got a deadline coming up
I've got a deadline made!

My friend's been waiting
My friend's been waiting
My friend's been waiting
For me to come around

And if he cried from frustration
If you cried from frustration
I was obstinate
You were obstinate

One of these days
I'm going to run around screaming
And bust down the walls
And throw down the door

One of these days
I'm going to live my own life
And find my own path
And make my own choices

And one of these days
I wont be responsive to you

My trials are my trials
My tests are my tests
My life is my life
I'm ready t'be alone

And One of these days
I'm going to run around screaming
And bust down the walls
And throw down the door

One of these days
I'm going to live my own life
And find my own path
And make my own choices

And one of these days
I wont be responsive to you

Black: take 1

The room was in disarray
Lately he's been lazy
There was clothing strewn around the room
And a carpet of dust on the sill
One more thing he had to do

He was long since used
to the way his blinds didn't close.
And as the sun drew near
He pretended to dose.

Chorus:
Open your eyes to see
Open your eyes
That the world around you, has
More than one color to be

Open your eyes to see
Open your eyes
That the world around you
To be more than black

The house was empty
When he arose
He reached for his glasses, stumbled
To the room to wash up

He donned his tattered pair of jeans
Grabbed yesterday's sweatshirt
The sun outside was too bright for him
So he threw a pair of shades on too

Chorus

It would have been a step perhaps
In the right direction
For him to hate things in his world.
At least,if he were to do that
It was an emotion

But at each wall
In his path
He merely shrugged and sighed
It was just all to hard to try

Chorus

It was in the park one day
That he met her
She was a lot like him,
She understood

She said, I know what you're thinking
I know how you live
But that tree is green, the sun is yellow
And I am right here

Chorus

Doodle

Doodle, doodle doodle

What is in my mind falls short of genius

What is my perspective?

I have always thought of myself as a rather blank slate. I long ago decided who I was going to be and then went for that. The cost of this is that I lost touch with who I was inside, who I was at heart. Or at least I thought I had so lost touch.

As I grew up and began to acknowledge other's individuality, I started to wonder who exactly I was inside. What was my individuality?

I looked inside and saw nothing. If you stripped away who I tried to be, there was almost nothing left to call my own.

I thus led my life being an imitation of myself. Never outwardly changing, but always wondering who I really was. In a time where society places such a high emphasis on individuality and being true to oneself, I didn't even know who I was to be true to.

To my eye, I looked like a blank slate. A void-filled frame. I was blind to myself. I merely thought I was a boring person.

This was not really an issue until recently. I have been trying to write music lyrics. The problem that arises therefore, is that you can't write lyrics about a boring life; who cares? I hence been trying to "find myself" so I can write about a real human experience.

What I have been trying to come to terms with now is that my experience is who I am. I am the sum of my emotions and passions. The product of my choices, and the being who makes those choices. At the very least, in knowing myself, I should be able to predict my future choices.

What is my perspective?

Give me ideas!

Hey yall,

So I haven't had that much to write about recently (I've been holding off on writing about philosophy until after TDez finishes blowing my mind) and i'm kind of bored.

So,

I would love it if you all gave me suggestions of things to discuss on my blog.

Featured Blog

Hey,
I don't usually do this as my favorite blogs (the ones I read at least) are all yours :), but here's a fav of mine. Check it out.

Floating Sheep

Another rant on (student) government

We were trying to pass club and committee reform today, which, in case you couldn't get from my last post, was voted down.

Student Government is the only unified channel between the student body and the Administration. For all student organizations, Student Government is the only thing that stands between them and the potentially arbitrary rules imposed by the Administration.

In the constitution, however, there is not a single mention of the word 'club.' The means that there is no grounds for protest from the Student Government if the Administration (through the Director of Student Activities) changes it's guidelines and restrictions.

The term Committee is a different story all together. Committee's are regulated by the Student Government through the Student Constitution.

What I am upset about is the following:
The Constitution is a disrespected and ignored document because many of its regulations are stupid. Every year (at least since my sophomore year) the student body has voted for a presidential ticket of change. However, every time reform has actually come to the floor, the student body is either too blind or too obstinate to accept change.

The Constitution is ignored because it is stupid, but it's so much better than any suggestion offered that it can't be changed.

My question is this,
I wonder if people would come to their senses if I started to enforce the letter of the law or at least threatened to do so.

A rant on (student) government

You idiots!

Just because a plan isn't perfect doesn't mean it isn't better than what we have now.

If I brought a three layer chocolate cake from the corner bakery to a birthday party, would everyone still eat entenmann's because they were afraid of change?

Open your eyes. We have one of the most flawed systems of governance in existence. Think a little before you abject reject a better one.

And if you were just voting for the prestige of your resume, than shame on you. You have no right to serve the position you have.

I'm bloody bored

I'm bloody bored.

You all dealing with real problems.
Living in the real world (sort of...).
Trying to be real people.

I'm stuck here filling out my term
And none of it really matters.

Most of the classes I take
Most of the stuff I do
Is worthless
Is a waste of time.

Really
I really do want to learn for the sake of learning.
But come on.

At this point,
I can't force myself to be engaged
When it was never interesting in the first place.
Or maybe it was you.

I don't want to just pass the time
Like I have.
I need to do something.

I'm bloody bored.

Who am I

I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not afraid of telling the world who I am.

I have always treated this blog as I have treated the rest of the internet. I firmly believe that anything I put on the internet will reflect me to the rest of the world to all eternity. There are no take-backs on the internet. There is no privacy.

As such, I have never posted anything I would be ashamed of on this blog. I have never done anything in public I would be afraid to attach my name to, afraid that it would be found later.


However,
I have never given particularly personal information on this blog. Unless you know how to read it, there is no way you can know anything about me.

In part I like it that way. It makes what I say have meaning in itself without trying to find connections to my personal life. I'd like that to remain true.

Here, though is something you should know about me to understand some of the more confessional style blogging I plan on doing in the coming years:


I am currently a senior in high school in New York City. I will be attending Northwestern University this fall (yes I did get in early and I'm psyched) where I will hopefully begin a life of studying only things I find genuinely interesting.

I have a comparably happy home life. My parents are happily married and both working. I have a younger sister who will start high school this coming fall.

I am a musician. I have played the piano for 11 years, french horn for 8 and I have taken voice lessons since starting high school. I have only recently begun my life as a contemporary musician and I have been spending time (and plan on spending more) writing and composing my own music.

My classmates voted me extra-curricular junkie for the school yearbook to come out at the end of the year and, at least for my high school life, I believe that's an accurate description. I have been quite involved in a number of student organizations at the management level and am working with the student government this year to fix a lot of the way we do things.

As a courtesy to my fellow bloggers I am withholding my name and current school at this time. I believe that every individual should have the opportunity to tell the public what they will when they want and there is a good chance you could find out who some of my friends are from some of my personal information.

Poetry Series #6:

Slander
Fire
Death
Misery
Power
Energy
Faith
Faith
Belief
Hope
Chance

Slaughterhouse-Five

So I just finished reading Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. It was really quite good. Quite a number of people die. So it goes.

Poetry Series #5: Time marches

There is a dearth of influence
To drag us from our lonely beds,
When the clock strikes the hour
We should be elsewhere.

You plan the day in your mind as
You perform your daily ablutions.
The heavy bag complimented
By your spirit.

The ground clings to your feet
As the cars rush around you.
The sun blinding every time,
You try and be safe.

The bus you take, or the car you drive
Or the subway you ride
Take you
Where you'd rather not

The doors open
Time marches

Lyrics; Dirait-on

Dirait-on

Abandon entouré d'abandon,
tendresse touchant aux tendresses…
C'est ton intérieur qui sans cesse
se caresse, dirait-on;

se caresse en soi-même,
par son propre reflet éclairé.
Ainsi tu inventes le thème
du Narcisse exaucé.

A Thank You and a Rant

Post 100

It's nice to rejoin the world...

My world...


One of them at least.

--------------------------------------
I'm sick of pretending.
And I'm sick of honor.

I'm sick of trying at something I
Just don't care about anymore.
And I'm sick of your meaningless condescension.

I'm sick of your acting
I know who you are

I'm sick of trying
I'm sick of trying to
Connect with you when you wont let me

Everything gives a little, takes a little

Give a little.


Damn you.



I'm sick of commitments
I'm sick of commitments that aren't commitments
I'm sick of keeping a promise I never vocalized
You never asked for

Who are you to tell me what I want
Who are you to tell me how I should live my life
Who are you to judge my choice

Respect the individual for their own set of values
Accept them for who they are

You are all guilty.

You are All guilty.


And

For those who throw no pretense
For my sake
For the worlds sake

You have my thanks

And may my world be populated by you

Poetry Series #4:

There is a place
Where there world stops
And the light of nature
Overtakes the might of men

There is a place just north of here
Where drops of water
Freeze to crystalline banks
The snowy footprints of yesterday

There is a house on a hill
There is a flame in the fireplace
There is a game on the table

Come with me there sometime.
Bring me there sometime.
I miss it.
I miss you.

Lyrics; Allen Pote: We are one (In memory of Elliott Bean)

This song is hard to sing
Because goodbyes are hard to say
But I know it's only for a time
We will meet again someday

The song we've left unsung
Will keep ringing in my heart
Till the melodies keep echoing
And help me do my part

To let the light of our love shine
For all the world to see
Let your joy and laughter
Become a part of me

And because I have known you
My life will never be quite the same
May your spirit
Live through me

The time we've spent together
All the happiness and tears
All these many special moments
Will make memories through the years

And when it's time to meet again
I'll know you by your name
For a friendship lasts for ever
And forever stays the same

We are one, we are one
In the name of the lord
We are one in the spirit
We are one in our love

And because I have known you
My life will never be quite the same
May your spirit
Live through me

Live through me

Rest in Peace

Elliott Bean

USDAN Chorus Director